With the explosion of Smartphones and tablets it’s becoming more important than ever to remember the apps one downloads and carts around town. Every drink at the bar makes it more likely someone will snatch your phone and expose the fact that Shazam and Fandango are in some highly suspect company.

Below is a list of 5 smartphone apps no man should ever have on his handheld device. If you discover you’re in possession of one of the below, get to deleting it ASAP. If you find you own all of the apps on our list then you might want to rediscover the land line.

Razor Electric Shaver Simulator

You’re busy. We get it. When proper grooming takes a backseat to making it to that meeting on time why not… whip out your Smartphone? This electric shaver guarantees “that no virtual electric razor will shave you closer!” except that, well, it won’t shave you at all. When it comes down to it, a 10 o’clock shadow will be less likely to offend than the sight of one rubbing a buzzing iPhone all over their face.

Hang Time

How it Works: You open the app and then chuck your $500 phone as hard as you can into the air in an attempt to get the highest score. The app rates distance as well as time spent in flight. Who would download this app? The same kid who answered “yes” when asked if they wanted to play 52-card pickup. The app is 99 cents (insurance not included).

Kiss Me

We’ve all felt a little insecure about our skills in the kissing department so it could be tempting to download an app that offers some insight into how well you perform. If you can’t think of a three-dimensional person to help you out you can always sanitize your filthy phone and pop open the Kiss Me app for a status update. Just make sure you don’t try this outside of the walls of your apartment otherwise you’ll end up on YouTube alongside the girl who tried to hump a tree.


Think of it as the Shake Weight of the app world. Too lazy to get off the couch and run around the block? Not a problem. Just open the app, set it on your pack-less abs, and vibrate yourself to a trimmer physique. No assembly required and it’s guaranteed to be the worst dollar ever spent – if you don’t count every time you agree when asked if you want fries with that.


What’s worse than the name (we see what you did there and we’re not amused) is the idea that an application can read eye movement accurately enough to determine one’s ability to responsibly operate a motor vehicle. Here is a good rule of thumb — if you can’t work ANY app on your phone, you’ve probably had too much to drink.